journal d'une transition

882

Somehow, in order to go on, I wish there would be some kind of ritual commitment between Selvam and me, something like marriage, or a pact and pledge of brotherhood as among the American Indians, something binding; because I need to know how to work from now on, whether to resume a solitary progress and push away all bonds, or to work from the condition arising out of this relationship and take up everything it touches and carry it along… *13-10-1989, Auroville: Late afternoon, Selvam and I went to attend the special meeting on Matrimandir that had been called at Aster’s in Auromodel. Gupi had been invited, it seems, and he delivered a long lecture on the right attitude – which I received as some sort of moral violence, however true the contents were; I felt like bursting; all my revolt and sense of suffocation were compounded… Again I thought of leaving Auroville… But, it is unreal: these are the conditions; I must accept them, and concentrate… Nonetheless, I do miss the kind of break-neck, free and uncalculating life I used to know with all kinds of people, long ago, before I ever came here; it was free of morals, there was a thirst and a need, a burning movement. I can’t stand any morals, from any direction; and yet I am facing this dark line again and I have made no progress in answering it: I just want to blow it up! *14-10-1989, Auroville: This issue of bisexuality is a tough one. I have no guide there, no reference, and no one to share it with; I don’t know of anybody here who has had to work through it. This society is so terribly small… Or else, this condition perhaps is just a mistake, an oddity, a freak, and… what? Should I kill myself? There is this need of an acceptance, somewhere, somehow, in life. Everyone else is “normal” and can work through their impulses openly, “naturally”: life is set for them! But I can’t! I can sublimate it; I can relate to it spiritually and find from there the potentials of this condition, its power and unique capacities. But in terms of transformation, if I am not given the opportunities others are naturally given to make their offering in life, through experience and through learning of the reality of love, how can I actually grow out of it, how can it actually meet its secret truth? I do not find the answer, and it is a torture… *15-10-1989, Auroville: I still do not know where this sexual trend comes from, or what it is meant to achieve, in terms of transformation. I have often seen the reality of these low energies that feed on the obsession for release, and the release itself (as in that experience, just the other night, of being held by some disincarnated being and accepting the contact at first, and then realising something was wrong and waking up out of an embrace that was perfectly unholy…). And I look at the way. At how I may, and must, open to the true contact, to the true delight and the true intimacy of the Presence, its richness, its pure and intense jubilation… I have had glimpses, and felt fleeting touches of it, enough to remember it exists, and will come. … This morning I attended the meeting with Santhakumar and his juniors over the structural model of the Petals, along with Catherine. I like the man, and we communicate well; the study is getting quite clear, and we’ll be able to present it to