journal d'une transition

870

names, from mere goonda to asura via rakshasa; when no one responded, he moved into the office and began to harangue others as well… We were all rather shaken… Selvam’s healthy presence was once more soothing – “let them bark, there’s nothing to it…!” he says… But the charge directed at me was so raw and heavy that my hands were shaking for several minutes afterwards…

*10-8-1989, Auroville: The Pressure is there, with the experience, and the opening It gives…

I look at the life of this world, and at how our bodies age, and I see how evasive still, and mysterious, almost alien to our humanity, is that thread of awareness that alone may lead us through the actual change… No words can say this… But gratitude is the answer that always rises and, with it, a sort of need to accept, and to embrace… *12-8-1989, Auroville: It seems there is no understanding, or else no willingness to face the challenge and respond… It goes round and round in circles, and it is aggravating; Menaig made the point that one ought not to bring up one’s anger or upset in the Chamber, and Bhavani and Narayana saw this as further manoeuvring on my part… … Al.GC brought the news today that the ECC engineering and building company is unwilling to take up the study of the covering of the sphere. We have got the import license for the steel columns made in Italy… … Late afternoon after work at Janet’s and at Matrimandir, I had to do the payments here, while listening to Ar.’s account of her distressing and rather catastrophic involvement with Krishna; he seems to be carrying on about me – or against me – and wanting her and rejecting her and calling her again, while making similar demonstrations at Su, who has been dissembling towards me… Then I went running, all the way down to Selvam’s beach house, and we spent a happy evening… We swam and ate and talked and played; he is like a treasure to me, to whom I want to pour out the treasure within me… It isn’t easy to keep quiet when one knows a little more than the one beloved; and yet I too learn from him, all the time… I had not felt this way since Auragni, and I told him that… *14-8-1989, Auroville: Early this morning N’s wife came with the two kids. Her family is trying to have N released today, by paying a fine. They want me to contribute. I refused. I asked Kanyappan to explain to her that, as N has been lying so consistently to me, I might not even take him back here; I would only help to feed the children until he got another job… *16-8-1989, Auroville: Some nasty dry fever has taken hold, and my heart has been hurting again, and I have lost weight… It turns out that Selvam has been very confused lately; he’s besieged by the many people he owes money to; he’s actually made quite a mess of his life in the past couple of years – went into a stupid business venture with a so-called friend of his,