journal d'une transition

843

the strongest justifications for death: to be thus fixed into some familiar “persona” is so limiting and contrary that no evolving existence can inhabit it for very long…

*2-5-1989, Auroville: In a moment JYL and I will leave for Madras Airport; he is to fly at 5 pm via Delhi. The parting isn’t easy. But the Pressure is constantly there to guide and help, like a Big Friend guiding the movements of small children…

*5-5-1989, Auroville: This morning in the Chamber, Selvam came to work with me. I am fond of him and it might work, but there’s an attraction there that brings an element of struggle into the normally quiet concentration I’ve had so far…

*6-5-1989, Auroville: It is C’s birthday. It is also the day she and R are leaving… Yesterday evening I had taken her to Pondy and we drank gin together by the sea, and she got a little tipsy and so lovely and so dear… She loved the bracelet I had made for her and, later, the wondrous dress Su has been stitching for her the past two weeks… … With R it hasn’t been easy this time, till the very last moment of parting when at last his resistance gave way and he lay his head on my breast… … Vivian has also left, yesterday; and in a couple of days Su will shift back to C’s house… Draw me, Mother, to the birthing of this new being: it is full, it knows, because it IS; it loves, because it IS; it embraces, because it IS… *8-5-1989, Auroville: This morning I worked part-time alone, with a good, quiet energy, and part-time with Selvam, who seems to be attaching himself to me, like a wagon, and willing to join in a quiet and concentrated manner… … This afternoon I was at Janet’s to do my work there; I also read the last issue of the Auroville Review, and found it to be a shameless, egotist imitation of Satprem all through… … Su is having some difficult time, back to the other house by herself; she would rather stay here with me; at least her emotional being feels that way, and she is a little angry at me for not helping her to make the shift… *9-5-1989, Auroville: What I sense as “my opening” must itself evolve and become more concrete: a real opening, not a partial, habituated one… It feels like there is an avalanche of Being and of Force, of fulfilling, conscious Force, ready to pour and pour… But the sheer habit of existing as a small, half-empty, limited and separated consciousness, is imposing the pace of its own taming…