journal d'une transition

824

*14-1-1989, Auroville: Yesterday night I had found another letter from Ar. waiting for me: the usual formations, arguments and demands, but also an obvious goodwill and the authenticity of her affection… And today, right after lunch, she came: I had to remind her again that it takes two to choose the form, the rhythm and the width of any given relationship… After a while we could laugh together again… … I went over to Janet’s; she’d asked me to help her rebuild her house at the “Field” and I first wanted to see for myself to what extent I would have to get involved… She’ll bring me a detailed ground plan of the existing house; but she has too little money for me to have any creative function there, and she stated her need of me as of someone she could turn to for advice as the work goes on… I’ll see… For now I see the garden here as my work; it is only if You would open the way for me to help manifest the Gardens of Matrimandir, or else if You would give me an opportunity to create an entire environment somewhere in Auroville, that… Otherwise what You give me right here is fulfilling enough for me, as an offering… *15-1-1989, Auroville: I don’t know, I miss a direction… Whenever one’s activity comes from You, whatever it may be, one feels one with everything, everywhere; but when there is a lapse, or a waiting, and one seems to have to find an activity without Your direction, then one feels separate, unused and unfulfilled, whatever the apparent use or purpose of the activity one has found or chosen… … Jaïmurthy came to visit, with his wife and children, and brought some Pongal dishes; and then, while Su and I had dinner, Gopal came, and then Vivian came; and then suddenly Ar. came in, shocked, in pain, holding up her dislocated thumb: she’d just had an accident on her moped, hit a tree; I didn’t quite know what to do; I felt it wasn’t broken, but no one here knows how to reset a dislocated joint… Later, Hilde mentioned Dhruva, and I took Ar. there on the bike, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t do it, and he thought it might be a bad break… So finally I had to take her to Jipmer Hospital – a Sunday night, and Pongal festival! We went to Casualties – the usual nightmare of crowded dirt and administrative absurdity: but they eventually did the job, reset the bone and declared it was fine but would need to be held in place for three weeks as there was a small fracture just over the joint; Ar. was alright all through; she only shouted when an injection had to be given, and she could laugh and be calm… We returned before midnight… *18-1-1989, Auroville: I had left a sketch at Janet’s. She came here later; we discussed all the aspects of the work given the funds available to her; she is alright, but I am not sure yet I should get involved, perhaps because, even though she says she only needs advice and some direction, I can sense that I’ll end up supervising the entire thing, and this isn’t exactly a small job… Is it right for me to go into it, Mother? *20-1-1989, Auroville: I’m feeling bad again about N, just like it was when he’d been arrested; it is like a sorrow, a painful wondering, a sense of waste and of helplessness in the face of it, and the sadness at being separated, a seeking out of his true future, of his true becoming… I sense this obscurity like a pain, the pain of falsity…