journal d'une transition

814

*2O-11-1988, Auroville: Shano had said he would visit this afternoon, and I was all taut about it; that longing came in the way, and it was like a middle-age woman waiting and wanting! I can see the mechanisms of it, I can see the unreality of it, and guess at the truth that is buried or imprisoned in it, but I can’t altogether push it away: there must come the right answer to it. Just because I happen to live in a small society that is too narrow-minded to allow for these variations doesn’t mean that I am not to find that equilibrium. The alternative is to split, to deny it all persistently, until, probably, age and wear merely dilute and dissolve it…! But then the real power that is needed to progress will also be gone…! … Krishna was still a little dejected, but he stayed and had dinner with Su and me, and it was sweet; the strange irony is that what he and I have together IS truly our fulfilment; it is perfect, it is whole; and yet, because of the work going on in some of our parts, we must withhold from it the forces we could otherwise join… … I have read today the last issues of the Auroville Review and Newsletter, put out by the “pure ones” of Auroville, my dear brothers and sisters, and there is again that painful mixture, or juxtaposition, of truth and ego. I often feel the way they do, and I often agree with their assessments, but I am glad not to be part of their group, I am glad to be removed from them and not to fall in the trap of this group- ego… *27-11-1988, Auroville: Shano came again. There’s something new, in the contact with him. I wanted to make sure what his motivations are, for his sake and for the sake of clarity: he wants me to teach him to read English fluently, and he also wants to come to me at night, sometimes in the week. We worked quietly for over an hour; there is tenderness, and there is sincerity in him; there is also a sexual pull, but it seems to be even on both sides, un-rushed, open and tentative… *28-11-1988, Auroville: Larry came to “Ravena” with Auralice this morning, beaming: P.C is sending another $ 2,000/- to finish all the work; this is a happy thing! … After my asanas Krishna came and brought me photocopies of all his papers, so that I send them to C, explaining what must be done at the Moroccan Embassy in Paris… *29-11-1988, Auroville: Last night Shano came. I gave him dinner, and an hour of English class. Then he chose to stay overnight, and it was a complete fiasco! I guess this is an example of “cultural differences”; emotional and sensual behaviours are world apart, it is an almost perfect misunderstanding! And yet there is an absence of perversion and a simplicity in him, as in most people here, which is so comforting… But it is a little as if two alien architects, having made their own constructions separately, were now trying to join them together… I suppose that, for them to succeed, a huge amount of “decorations” has to go; but, more deeply or importantly, something of their very *25-11-1988, Auroville: The Pressure keeps me in Its Fold…