journal d'une transition

797

myself drop by drop to the Conscious One, so that whatever I am progressively becomes whatever It wills to be…

*23-6-1988, Auroville: I was so exhausted for this past week; I couldn’t cycle, or walk anymore; there was nothing painful, nothing acute, just this general, definite fatigue, with a little fever. I couldn’t even stand up for more than a moment; I was immediately drained of energy… … I thought this perhaps was caused by worms, but couldn’t be sure… Even now I can hardly stay out in the sun, I feel sucked out, depleted… I feel the trap of linear time, of all these values that have to do with one’s use of one’s life, of one’s time, and all the logic of movements they imply, and all the choices that are directed by that determinism of linear time… It all feels wrong, like feeding a huge monster on and on, and never reaching for the truth of the Manifest Being… … I want to learn to tune into another rhythm, a circular, inclusive, growing rhythm; I want it not with the mind, nor with the emotions; I want it here, in Matter, in the smallest events and circumstances and expressions…

*24-6-1988, Auroville: Whatever it is that “ails” me, it seems to stay on, not worsening, but not letting go either: general weakness, intolerance to the sun-rays, a low-keyed fever… nothing else…

*27-6-1988, Auroville: I have cautiously resumed my routine of work…

*28-6-1988, Auroville: At noon N came to me, and we lay together for a while; it was very sweet, but the usual impasse, that leaves me uneasy with myself…. Basically, I suppose, it is because I ought to be free from all desire…! … The more I go and the more I feel as if I am floating in the world, within the world – a great, mysterious, immensely loaded womb, charged with a complexity no individual consciousness can ever resolve -, myself being merely that tenuous yet enduring cord that is anchored and joined to the True, to the Lord, to the Real… Nothing, near or far, makes any more particular sense, in terms of destiny or task; only You, and the awareness, in “me”, of You… *29-6-1988, Auroville: Krishna came. He has been longing for a renewal of our bond; he is considering going back to Morocco next year, to try and get a new passport; should I accompany him, even part of the way? … Soaz has written, asking me to come and receive her and the kids at the airport, in a week’ time… Samuel will be a grown little boy now; shall we still be able to relate?