journal d'une transition

786

back after very long, like perhaps several lives, and being welcomed by me; and she goes on telling me of her attachment to me, and of her wish to come to Auroville alone – without J.Y – and to come to me, to be with me where I live… It isn’t the letter of someone who is exalted, or un-balanced; its tone is quiet and there is some sort of honesty in it, and gentleness… So, what is it? I wish I had a letter from J.Y too; she implies that he has grown very much attached to her, and has changed his whole life since they met… What is all this about? *17-3-1988, Auroville: I just passed my princess on the way back from work; she was riding behind Diane on their Moped – I only had a glimpse of her thick, wonderful, copper-coloured hair and her adorable little face with those piercing blue eyes… Diane’s face was a grim mask... Will there never be any opening? Is my life, and all I am and can become, wholly in Your hands, Mother? … As it is up to me to make my own discipline and set tasks to myself for the sake of being at least of some relative use in the general economy of things, it sometimes feels so pointless – I might as well do nothing at all, it wouldn’t make any difference whatsoever, except I wouldn’t be any happier… And so I continue with my chosen routine, waiting, waiting for what… I do not know… That the ego gives way and there flows the Presence… that Matrimandir is ready to be an active centre of Your Force and circumstances be guided by It…? … Y came this evening, after long; his wife had their first baby, a girl, and has now gone to her family for a few weeks… Unlike N, Y comes to me with his own desire, and there’s real tenderness that comes from the many years he worked with me here; and this evening, as he made to leave, we hugged, and kissed, and he wanted us to be naked as we used to, years ago, and I went along with it, as this was offered… *19-3-1988, Auroville: I attended the general meeting at Matrimandir. The main topic – or pretext for it – was the issue of these two Cheques that came through the SAS and were accepted, as it seems Roger A put all his weight on it… It eventually became clearer that the way Auroville as a collectivity has been reaching decisions or making choices, in the past several years, is becoming unacceptable to more and more of us… And I was able to cite the instance of the use of “majority vote” in that meeting of October 15 as an example of it… *21-3-1988, Auroville: N came early this morning, saying he’d lost the money I’d given him yesterday for his needs; that someone had stolen it from his clothes… But this was just once more that he’d lost money, or things given him, and it has reached a limit for me; I refused to give him more…

*24-3-1988, Auroville: After “Ravena” this morning I went to Matrimandir to spend a while with the small concreting of one of the entrances slabs; something went off in Narayana’s head, about the way I was supposed to have looked at him when I came, and he