journal d'une transition

784

they both are my friends, the only close friends I have at present, and each of these relationships is simply what it is, and expresses itself in different forms – and this ought to be alright…!

*2-3-1988, Auroville: This ego keeps in the way, like a lump of false substance deflecting the light… Can’t You burn it away? … Perhaps as some compensation, last evening I saw, in the sunset sky – and it was like D.M and Janaka – two beautiful horses playing together… *3-3-1988, Auroville: I had to go to J the dentist this morning. When I reached there I saw that G.M was already in, before me; I had to wait a long time outside, and I tried to put my attention on something creative, to counter the apprehension, and prepare myself for the shock, as it felt there was hardly any chance that he would even acknowledge me; I felt that he had “taken position”, and I felt the sick bed of formations underneath, that feed on us; and I didn’t want to force him; this after all has been his own free choice… And so when he came out, he had already put on his dark glasses and he walked by me and soon drove off without a single glance… Now, if in this life there has been someone I could say I “love”, as human beings love, it has been him, and for many years… And today it seems to be all gone: I do not find it anymore, not in him, and not in me… As if it had been taken away, removed… … Materially You protect me constantly and surround me with the beauty and the harmony I need; and this makes me feel so ashamed of being of so little use… *4-3-1988, Auroville: To remain in this world, I need to have a function of some sort. This is the only way for me to relate. And I do not find this function. I have to practically make my own choices all the time, either being ostracised from the organic development, or else unable to agree to the directions taken… *5-3-1988, Auroville: Late morning after the work I went and attended the meeting at Matrimandir, mostly in an effort not to be only negative regarding what is happening there at present, around Roger A’s vital power and attractiveness; I needed to somehow put it in perspective, and to try and accept whatever is the process that is taking place… But it is all so wrong, so false, and so absurd; and it is painful to see how many here have come under it… *6-3-1988, Auroville: I am beginning to worry a little; I don’t like what’s happening with me; it feels like an emptied, deserted shell, as if all inner stuff was gone; and I also sense the action of some influence that seeks to destroy faith and to draw a thick veil over the inner experience, and to portray You as a sham… This last period of a month or so has been very disorienting…