journal d'une transition

782

This Darshan is terrible: You are clothed and covered by this formation of a very old woman, and there is as if a juxtaposition of extreme restlessness, complete impotence, and a terrible will; and all these people watching You from the street below, gaping at You, and then resuming their routines as soon as You turned away… … Later J.P walked in, and it wasn’t good; he was full of complicated reproaches and silly misunderstandings, and his attitude made me at once sad and angry; as if here is just a bunch of sick people, trying I don’t know what, or to what end… Life goes on, and the coming week is all programmed to the dot, down to the anniversary of the Supramental Descent, this being a leap year… This is now an ordinary institution, still in the guise of something new… *22-2-1988, Auroville: It is like being stranded mid-way through a larger Action… Either it should burn its way through, or the contradiction should somehow be fought, or else Your very Presence should dispel it all… But none of that happens. It is a status quo that has no name, no definition, and appears to make no sense whatsoever… I can only endure and wait… *23-2-1988, Auroville: Having a work to do, any work, however small, always helps; and relationships based on work are also easier to harmonise… Very often these days I become inwardly angry – what is the word for it, I don’t know: furious, saturated, bursting, about the games that are being played around Matrimandir, all in Your name of course… *24-2-1988, Auroville: There is a part in me, of the inner being, that has remained a little aware of a mode of existence compared to which the condition this world is in feels like an assemblage of tricks, a sort of machinery one must fit in, in order to belong, and to survive: in order to manifest, one must relate; in order to channel, one must accept to be pinned to a position; in order to belong one must comply with the gross arrangement of the energies and their circulation; in order to function with a semblance of autonomy, one must mate, pair up, associate; and in order to simply physically live on, one must participate in an entire chain of expense, waste and labour… All the way down it is as if made of tricks and devices, death being the ultimate crown… It is not that I object to relating per se: I miss the delight, the free joy of it, when it occurs for delight’s sake, out of a free rhythm of joyful discovery… … While doing the asanas this evening I listened to Your Agenda of October 63; you had re-read the passage of “Savitri” that sets the advent of Death, and all its perverting and falsifying consequences for the earth, as part of the earth’s material evolution; and You wondered whether, after all, those who just want to get out of it and exist elsewhere, in other modes, are not justified: their choice at least may be legitimate, as they do not try to merely escape into Nought… But, as You Yourself have striven here and discovered here the Supreme, this question arises no more…