journal d'une transition

773

dedication to a cause, and all the processes or mechanisms that have brought about the numberless martyrs and victims… In practice it always comes down to this question: when the milieu is oppressive and false, what is the truest, in the long run? Is it to let oneself be turned into a martyr for whatever cause – justice, freedom, or one’s own beliefs? Does it really serve the Truth? Is this not also a sort of self-glorification in reverse, the ego’s need for identity? Would it not be truer, although more difficult a surrender, to give up any outer expression of one’s faith, while preserving the inner discernment and maintaining inwardly one’s readiness to act and to serve when the time comes again…? To keep silent and go within, asserting nothing – not in order to save one’s skin, but in order to remain here in the body to serve the Lord’s Will and Presence, whatever may be the external circumstances, aware, open and ardent…? Somehow I fail to see what lasting good any cause has ever done in this world, when it was brandished as an identity… While those few scattered beings who have known to remain and to continue consciously, despite everything, unknown have kept the balance of things, till the time enough men will realise that the Lord is to be found directly, and uniquely, by each individual person… *28-12-1987, Auroville: C has written: R had tests made and it now seems that, provided he stabilises, they could consider coming together here by the end of March… Alright: I am relieved not to have to go… But I had gone through quite a lot to adapt to the necessity of going, and I had just begun to appreciate the possibility it might give of a break, of “taking stock”; and now there is a little depression…! Because I do not see, here, what I can do next; nothing has become clearer, and You are not giving me a work to do, and I am not attuned to the way Auroville seems to be developing, and I don’t know, I don’t know… *29-12-1987, Auroville: At noon I had a surprise: Krishna knocked at the door, when I was resting; he came in; he took out of his bag a beautiful small wooden chest, his gift for me, which he had made especially, in rose-wood, with a tiny drawer, and a mirror inset inside the lid, a wonderful object; he didn’t stay… Does it mean that the time has come to share together again, to progress together again…? *30-12-1987, Auroville: I don’t know what I need to experience in order to grow towards You. So I pray to You and ask You to take charge, and to move me if I must, or to keep me here if I am to stay… … I don’t know anything; only that I want to grow in awareness, or rather, that I want awareness to grow, consciousness to take up all those parts and movements, and the ego to end in being, in reality…

*31-12-1987, Auroville: I seem to “understand” better; comprehension stands in more simplicity and more light, as the ego’s drama and involvements and complications fall away…