journal d'une transition

746

… It is strange how extremely sensitive and vulnerable I have become, physically; I do not usually see it, s I have a very regular daily discipline and live a sheltered and quiet life; but the least incident or intrusion, and it is all shaken. It is not clear what the advantages may be of such vulnerability to exposure…! … B brought me a letter from Su; she is leaving Canada for London on the 19 th , and from there she will arrange her journey to Madras and wants me to meet her at the airport; she will stay at C’s in Paris… I haven’t yet been able to write a full letter to C. It’s like I simply have nothing, nothing at all to say; it is not that she feels far: I am with her always; it’s just the reaching out to where words play and mean something… *1-9-1987, Auroville: Bhaga and Sharan came to visit “Ravena” after the work this evening; I do not know accurately how they feel; they were obviously moved by its beauty; but whether or not this first contact may mark the beginning of a living way for “Ravena”, I cannot say. I asked only that they let me know how they feel and any suggestions or ideas they may have before the end of this month… … Some story is going round in the village: over the weekend a man was murdered by two men from Edayachavadi; N hasn’t come to work since last Saturday, and the Ghurkha told me that last night some 10 or 15 policemen in a van had come looking for him at “Ravena”; he hasn’t come to see me here either… I spent even more time than usual in “Ravena” today, cleaning and re-organising the store-room, now that Nar, who was so perfectly tamasic, is out of the way… *2-9-1987, Auroville: A very strange day for me: P told me this morning when I reached “Ravena” that N had been arrested yesterday, charged with the murder of that man from Pattai. Later, as I had to go down to Pondy anyway for purchases, I decided to look for him; that was optimistic! I went to three different stations, and to the Central Prison, and met only with dumb non-cooperation and general inertia… Finally I was told that he might have been taken to Court, along with the other accused, who had admitted to having murdered the victim; but I was advised by the local police to have no contact with N, that he was the worse drunkard of the entire area and a very bad man… Yet they relented a little, seeing my determination, and gave me the name of the Inspector in charge of the case, with a wink of suggestion that I might have to bribe my way, and adding that I should hire a lawyer and make a petition for bail… I didn’t know what to do next! Later I met with Subramanian, whom I know to be genuinely friendly towards N, and talked with him, and he will look into it tonight, and enquire about bail and a lawyer if need be, and act as a go-between so that it may cost less than if I show myself… *3-9-1987, Auroville: I have no illusions as to the purity of my rapport to N by now; yet there is more to it than just that mixture; I have often felt that an extension of myself, or a limb, was there in him; I have felt the pain. … This morning I finally found my way to the Court and I was there ahead of N, who arrived an hour later, manacled to the second convict, between several constables: a hard moment, with that sensation of the irreversible; that he had