journal d'une transition

743

life and organisation – be it just a poem, or some function in its daily life and progress; not even being able to use some of its services… Part of it is due to my own demise, my own disagreeing with the directions taken… But I still do not understand why it has been laid on me, or why it is being kept that way, why nothing else happens to change it… It’s been too long, too many years; and it affects every one of my movements, of my activities: just because I am the one looking after it, no one in Auroville gives any support to “Ravena” for instance, except from Ar.… And that tormenting question remains: was I wrong to come back to Auroville? Would have I progressed more on Your way if I hadn’t? I know that I must collect myself, and break through these ghosts… … On my way back this evening from “Ravena”, that big German shepherd she-dog of Ed’s ran barking at me; she does that often, and usually I stop her by talking back to her, but today she was fast and surprised me, she went straight at my leg and bit it; I responded angrily, and so she withdrew at once; Ed was following behind and I turned to him; I could have tuned into a big anger then, but it would have been out of proportion… I do not think that I had fear, or any negative thoughts, as I was cycling by, and so I couldn’t understand why that dog had come after me, other than for the reason Ed himself may have… *8-8-1987, Auroville: The nights are always filled with so many activities – I have almost stopped taking notes; there are interesting circumstances and experiences sometimes, with an element of learning, of discovering, that would be very encouraging… if at least somewhere, somehow, it would bring about some change, make some concrete opening… It’s just been too long, being stuck with the same grey-faced obstinate

denials and difficulties, just too long… … I want to belong to the Lord, that’s all.

In my nature I do have very strong and persistent sexual drives, drives for endless enjoyment, but this is only a part and I can’t see why it should ruin the whole…! The Lord knows why it is so, because I have always felt that it had been laid on me at the start, and it must therefore have some purpose?!!!

*9-8-1987, Auroville: I realise that I need more courage than I seem to have at the moment. And that, in some parts, I still have to make the choice…

*10-8-1987, Auroville: Ar. asked about Su, where would she stay, what would be our relationship, and would it make a difference in my life and would I be more open to Su than I ma to her, Ar., etc. It was heading into another scene. Then I told her, truthfully, that I only knew this was a valid relationship, but not which way it would evolve; and that about her, Ar., and me, I knew that I would never feel toward her in any other way than toward my sister and friend; that this was truly and naturally how I felt her: my sister… This seems to have dispelled a lot of the stuff that was still in her mind; I believe she understood it.