journal d'une transition

737

*24-7-1987, Auroville: In a day like this, there are such odd fluctuations of energy: moments of fatigue, laboriousness, moments of peace, moments of quiet energy, and moments of suffocation… Much of this fatigue has to do with the weather, I think; I have become more sensitive or vulnerable to its action – its effects? -, and on certain days now I feel a great reluctance to be out in the sun, almost as if there was danger; yet, on other days, I sense a good relationship as if with the amount of water in the air, and it is quite alright… … Before noon I went by Matrimandir; there was a small concreting and J.P was sitting by the office in an armchair, not yet able to move around on his own; I sat with him awhile… *25-7-1987, Auroville: The car that was to pick me up before 5 am never showed up; I waited and waited, getting depressed and nervous because I do not like to fail anyone who is waiting for me, and then T came to tell me he’d just gotten a phone call from B in Delhi, to say that their plane would be delayed by 7 hours; T soon figured out that, by mistake, the booking or the car had been entered at tomorrow’ date only! And so I re-arranged the day, and went to work… Being unexpected at “Ravena’, cycling in quietly, I came upon a scene probably more exact of the work atmosphere that prevails when I am not there; it saddened me that I couldn’t trust even Nar: he was talking and smoking, lounging comfortably and doing nothing else at all, as in a most natural state of affairs…! I can’t blame them, though! … Both Ar. and Arjun separately gave me a report of the morning meeting at Matrimandir: it goes round and round… I think I would never choose to be in Auroville now if I was just visiting for the first time; and I am well and finely shut off, bound and gagged: I can’t raise my voice, lest the truth I would try to share would be denied merely because it is uttered by me…! … B and Akash’s plane landed at 5.15 pm; B is looking good, a little fleshed out, more harmonious; Akash too is better, but he still makes me nervous! B chattered away the whole journey back here, about all they have seen and done, and she never stopped till we were home! She is good; I am glad she is back. She also gave me news of Samuel – he wants me to come and fetch him in a yellow airplane; and of C and R… *26-7-1987, Auroville: I am determined to go and find N tonight, both for his sake – he needs money, as he has not come to work for days – and for mine; this is taking far too much room in my physical consciousness and I must find the way out. I just hope it will be through some harmonious progress and not through another failure and rejection… But this is pinning me down, weighing me under, and it has been so for months now; it is neither healthy nor compatible with a movement of conscious progression. Tonight, for no reason, I feel cold!

*27-7-1987, Auroville: After dinner Ar. came by and reported on the general meeting: regarding Matrimandir, nothing conclusive so far; but regarding Auroville as a whole, the Government is now urgently asking Auroville to consider negotiating with the SAS