journal d'une transition

725

I look, and look, and look: isn’t all this a huge and vain comedy? What are we all after? Please, oh please take the ego away, please do that!

*23-4-1987, Auroville: Je suis maintenant conscient comme d’une énorme peine qui s’est accumulée, et qui demeure là, silencieuse mais écrasante, absorbante ; et je ne suis pas conscient du Rire du Seigneur, ni de Ton Sourire, Douce Mère… … C has been worrying over “Ravena” and trying to think out some way for her to come up with the necessary funds to complete the construction; but I do not feel that this would be the right answer; besides it would make a big hole in her budget and off-balance all her equilibrium in her work… She has suggested I could take a break, go and travel for a while, leave the context… I don’t know. I can hardly talk, unless she asks questions… I should like to feel that this condition I am in is the tail-end of the disappearing ego…! I do feel sometimes the need to vanish – not materially, but in “myself”… But shouldn’t there be some joy, somewhere, somehow? *24-4-1987, Auroville: C is such a real treasure: she had another experience at “Ravena” today, by herself, while I was gone with Jagannathan to see for the sale of this wood; this was an experience private to her, but connecting with the sense of essentiality, and she felt very strongly, almost imperatively, that she must see to it that “Ravena” is completed. When she later told me about it, it began to make sense. And tonight we talked about that nearly-forgotten fund she had been keeping for emergencies, for me, in an Account in Switzerland, which might be sufficient, at today’ rate of change, to bring the construction very near to completion… And thus it may be that I shall not have to stop the work next week… I was at first reluctant, because of the personal aspect to it; I had hoped that something would come which wouldn’t be connected to “me”, as a sign, something that would say “yes, the Lord is concerned with that place and appreciates the offering, and here are the means to make it whole!” This would have been much like Your Blessings… But it may be so even this way! It is, I guess, this terrible need in me, which has been so heavily and nastily denied, to find some measure of acceptance near You…! Let us see, then… *25-4-1987, Auroville: I sent a message to Larry, in case we wouldn’t meet before he leaves for the US on Tuesday, saying that I might be able to continue the work, with private funds, no strings attached. I don’t know; I get rather hostile waves at times; I had the impression that he might be upset at this news, in the sense of loosing control over the place if I can go o by myself… *26-4-1987, Auroville: We started off at 8 am, B, Akash, C and I; we reached Madras before noon and spent two quiet hours in the Taj. R arrived at 3.30 pm or so, happy; I was glad to see him. B and Akash’s boarding was due an hour later and we left them there, as several others from Auroville were