journal d'une transition

722

long and I returned here late for the asanas; as my back is still hurting, I guess I shall take a break till Sunday. Soon I shall have to take a number of decisions, none of which I find easy, though probably for someone else they would pass as small matters; but for me it is just not easy to have to lay off someone, to be the instrument of such a drastic change in someone’s life… I have also thought of trying to sell the logs of wood that are left, so that some work may at least continue, but that too makes me uncomfortable! *11-4-1987, Auroville: I have been asleep for so long; I thing I may have briefly woken up at the turn of this year, but I relapsed. It is mere grinding, on and on and on: no fire, no opening and no growth… I must say now that I understand why we, human beings, need the whip of pain…! For it is only pain that makes us search for the Presence! … This longing is crazy, to melt into a friend’s embrace, to kiss and to hold and to be held; and N is so very sweet, but he doesn’t at all feel the same way and… it is somehow cruel; cruel, because I have really tried to move away from those areas of need and turn to the Presence, but I haven’t found the Lord’s hands, He has not pulled me towards Him; and those longings catch up with me and overtake me, and I live in a context which, compared to modern life in the Western world, is extremely moral and conservative, despite of all its pretence at being the cradle of a new world… And I can’t see that I am going to make any progress here if You don’t give me a little push or help one way or another; or else I would have to avoid all contact other than the most superficial or practical, so as not to be reminded of these longings… Sometimes it is all so dark and hopeless for “me”! And so very absurd… … What is the secret behind it all? What is the hidden evolutive sense of it? With all my conscious experience, with all my awareness at present, I see nothing that is in any way superior, truly more valid or useful in “me” than there is in, say, N… What is the point of all this? Isn’t all this ridiculous? Or else I am perhaps just a fraud, nonsense? *14-4-1987, Auroville: In the midst of all the night activities, I noted some that had an interesting character, and more depth of meaning: there were happenings in outer space involving several people and, after some early attempts had failed, I was made to try and locate the point of disappearance of those who had not returned and may have had to pass over, to “die”, and I found the emotional traces of what had happened to one of them, a black man, a lovely, wonderful being, and his contact and his presence go very deep… *15-4-1987, Madras: Throughout last night there were odd bits of activity in many directions and areas, between frequent waking from the mosquitoes and a tension or unease; and there was a surprise encounter with someone very close, like a best friend or a family member, who is “dying”, and I refuse to respond emotionally, but I put instead all my concentration on the reality of consciousness, and he actually “revives”, but not as he would with a vital breath: he revives with the breath of consciousness, a very different event, in its quality and its simplicity…