journal d'une transition

704

organic, within the community; then I could absorb any amount of contacts on its basis. But it is not so now. … N has started to come to me regularly, at breakfast time, and our relationship is quieter, in a sort of neutrality…

*6-2-1987, Auroville: Mother, please, make me conscious of what must come…! Death is so repulsive, the master of illusion…! Mother, take me, take me towards the coming Incarnation, the One that unites all worlds within one substance… Mother! … It is odd how much I need solitude, rest, sleep and quiet; it is amazing… Or perhaps it is that all the energies are being channelled or used in some concentrated way I don’t have the distance to evaluate…? *7-2-1987, Auroville: I am down into a pit again, fighting with a monster I can’t even see, and I doubt everything arising from myself… It is only with Matter, objects and things, and with Nature, vegetation, animals, and to some extent with the people of here, the “Tamilians”, that I can find my own harmony… The Auroville people make me shrink and suffocate under a weight of unease, a mass of sickening “perceptions”… … When I went back to “Ravena” this afternoon, N came at once to tell me, all sad and upset, that Larry had come during my absence and looked everywhere and asked questions about the work, and that he’d told him, asking him not to repeat it to me, that as soon as the construction would stop he wanted me to leave, as he didn’t like my being there at all… I don’t know what to do; I just feel like quitting, when this happens and hits me; but, after a moment of quiet and repair, I look and I ask, and it feels then like I must hold on, and learn not to be affected… Later Ar. came there, visiting after long, and it was comforting to see how moved she was by the beauty of the place and the quality of the work done…

*8-2-1987, Auroville: Su is ill; pain all over her chest, and fever, and she worries. She’d said nothing to me, but I had to realise something was wrong in the evening and found her lying in bed…

*9-2-1987, Auroville: Would You show me clearly what it is I am fighting with? I do not understand the process. It is like every time I reach a space in which I can gather some trust and recognition of the progress to be made, it is the next moment swept away from outside and I am thrown back into this weird dark… Ar. left me a letter written in the night; why does she have to feel the way she does? Why does she have to suffer from me? When I get quiet and calm and able to offer a space, she doesn’t even see it; she only feels that I am denying her demands and barring her way to me…! Larry came to “Ravena” this morning; I hadn’t expected it. At first, his intent was to ask me to move out and let him take over. He said that his trust in me had been shattered and he now felt the way these people felt who had warned him against