journal d'une transition

702

*30-1-1987, Auroville: There seems to be a real battle going on: the influence of death on one “side”, and the need for true Matter, for true material incarnation in conscious substance, on earth, on the other “side”… It goes on all the time… … Ar. went this morning, following Bob and Barbara’s advice, to see some weird doctor in Pondy, about her physical troubles; this man pointed out and listed all the things that have gone wrong, some of which she hadn’t even seen yet, and proceeded to make such statements about her energy degenerating and wasting away, and about the “Lord of Death”, that she returned to me doubly upset and struggling to put it all out of her physical mind… And this evening she talked to me of her fears, and about those parts in her that are too unhappy with her present life-experience and too willing to quit… …. I went to the concreting at Matrimandir after my work at “Ravena”, and I met Hans atop the structure, who told me that Petra’s child had left her body just a few days ago…: this is another of Auroville’s defeats… … I know that, in order to grow more aware, one has to become more capable of assimilating intensities of experience, and that, as one touches more living truth, one must also touch more of the resistance to it… But there’s only one thing that makes complete sense, and makes life worth living, and that is You, Mother: Your Work, Your Way, the Becoming You herald and the Conscious Reality You incarnate… Mère d’Amour, Douce Mère, Mère que j’aime, Mère, Mère, Mère, Mère… I am reading on “Mémoire d’Essénien”, a very interesting rendering; it is all attuned, so far: nothing exotic or suspect and its atmosphere is rather open… … I wanted to finish writing my letters to C and to O.P this evening, but Ar. came and stayed, saying she wanted very much to be with me, that I am so much part of her life; she is so sweet and open and offered and gentle, and it feels so terribly unfair of me not to cherish it all as she does… And yet I just can’t: however much it makes me feel selfish and cold and harsh, I still cannot change the feelings I have; they are just there. The only movement I can do is to step back somewhat and stand in a sort of non-personal space, or position… But then she feels me far away, or absent! She heard that today’ meeting on the Acts and Auroville’s future had been exceptionally good; if it is so, then I am glad… *2-2-1987, Auroville: Something went badly wrong this morning; I must have acted blindly: probably there must be times for frankness and times for caution…! And I felt like crying, afterwards, beyond the numbness… I met Larry on the road, on my way to Bharat Nivas after the work at “Ravena”; he asked me again for a fresh copy of the statement of accounts we had earlier sent to Janaka’s sister… (I write this down because it may help to formulate and offer it all before You). I had been resisting it and postponing it since our last talk, as it had become apparent that Larry had appointed himself as the caretaker, in charge of everything and “allowing” me to go on with the construction work. And that had come in blunt contradiction with working together in trying to bring “Ravena” to its completion. So, this time, rather than remaining vague about it, I told him openly why I had been unwilling to *1-2-1987, Auroville: I keep having this trouble in the heart-breathing relationship…