journal d'une transition

692

And today we finished the main plastering of the top terrace, and the entire space is now quiet, open, vast and true… I went to watch the end of the concreting at Matrimandir, then, and could have a few moments of friendship with Arjun, and then with John H and Su…

*12-12-1986, Auroville: “Ravena” is coming up so beautifully: this place is meant to be a manifestation of beauty, vast, the true beauty and simplicity… Let it be so, let it be so…!

*14-12-1986, Auroville: It became clear today that both Su and I were ready; we went out for a walk after dinner, and I took her to the pond behind “Dana” and we sat there watching the moon light playing over the orange water; it was all silent but for the frogs… When we returned here, I said to her that I’d come later; and I went over to Ar.’s, as she had been very strung up today, and I don’t want her to suffer; it took a while for her to laugh again and to relax… I am sad and helpless about her states; but she alone can change it; she must learn to move out and away from that pit. I can only try to be her friend, always… I went back to Su. This was calm, and I felt at home with her. I like her ways. She is together, and lucid; I feel that I can trust her. … All evening I was seeing that life is the one domain where I am unable to feel the way, where I am lost and clumsy and divided and wary and tense… I can feel the way above and below and behind but, right there, I haven’t had the experience of Yoga. There is a chasm, there. I keep making mistakes and causing others to suffer… If I go into life, it is only with a part of me, and I do not back it up; and when I move away, centring back, it is as if I’d never been there, and the other person is left with nothing to hold on to. Perhaps I am being taught, now…?

*15-12-1986, Auroville: “Ravena” is becoming more beautiful day by day. It is a wonderful place to work in, to look after, and it only deepens and strengthens my feeling towards D.M, who has seen it, and carried it and given it birth…

*16-12-1986, Auroville: I have been looking at this “heartlessness” of mine, this absence of sentiments that forbids me to build a living relationship with anybody in time, least of all with a woman… And sometimes it feels like my “heart” – this area of experience and being – is locked up, and that I don’t know where is the key, nor if I’m even meant at all to search for it; like, perhaps, someone will just come along one fine day, who has the key…And until then, I can fantasise all I want, it makes no difference! Perhaps it will be a woman, and she will have the beauty I so much need to revere and to cherish, outer and inner beauty… Up until now, all the loving care I am capable of I have invested in Matter, in material and natural environments, in light and space; but not in any human being… It would have grown into just that with Auragni, had I been allowed; but it wasn’t meant to happen.