journal d'une transition

689

Ar. walked back with me; she said she needed to have intercourse and asked me to be more inviting, less inhibiting; I confirmed that I was open to it if she felt it could be helpful; it is true that I am now open to it, but I do not want it to cement our relationship, to fix it…

*26-11-1986, Auroville: This morning N came with me for a long ride over to a small village near the ocean, on the way to Cuddalore, to purchase a thousand casuarinas saplings…

*27-11-1986, Auroville: There is a little crisis at “Ravena” among the men; the focus is on N, out I guess of jealousy and spite, and the men are quite nasty with him, and he suffers when he responds to it and he suffers when he doesn’t; he hadn’t come to see me here for a few days, because some of the others were teasing him that he came to me like a dog; he cried when he related that to me… He began to smile again, afterwards, and we planted the saplings together, and he said sweetly that he’d come to have breakfast with me tomorrow. *28-11-1986, Auroville: Between the rain showers today we have begun levelling the ground around the graves. I intend to build a bench at their heads, under the Kadamba tree, and perhaps engrave just their two names and the dates… The work in the house is going well, and rather fast; and I worry as the days go by and no reply comes from Janaka’s sister and family, as I shall soon be at the end of the money here. I pray that this dream of theirs is helped into Matter; it would be such a sad waste if it had to be abandoned so close to completion… … N did some masonry today, very well, and he was like a kid with his small team, apprehensive and then jubilant to have done it, and what did I think of it…! *29-11-1986, Auroville: I found that I could not really give Ar. what she wanted, unless, plunging back into that state, I could also find my home in her… And I was not finding it… She became more relaxed and more deeply tuned, but I couldn’t carry her all the way, as I couldn’t find a secure and wide enough space for me to abandon myself… *1-12-1986, Auroville: This is a bizarre point I am at: it would seem I could easily, from there, move into quite an ordinary life, and let the curtain fall over aspiration and conscious orientation, and just go with the current and accept it all… I saw that, by opening to Ar.’s need and participating to its momentary satisfaction, I opened again to that level of communication and relation… This morning at “Abri” for instance, stopping to have my tyre blown, I met this beautiful girl who has been living with B.B for quite a while now, and who is probably by far the most lovely feminine creature around, and there was an immediate response, and I could sense the possibility of cherishing her, almost of “owning” her; and I don’t feel any warning, or any pressure, it is simply as if all aspiration had gone…! It has withdrawn, in wait, silent