journal d'une transition

675

I left rather abruptly, upon D.M saying to me “don’t come back…!”, thinking to myself that this perhaps may help, that this situation may require a brutal change so that this block is shaken off and Janaka is awakened to a clearer choice… I didn’t know whether I would return at the “normal” time; I distrust this capacity in me to cut off, to pull out, to withdraw: it is too extreme. But I can also see that I cannot either continue like that indefinitely… Of course, D.M soon sent me the apples for Janaka’s juice (which I had forgotten) along with a note saying “à tout à l’heure!”… … I don’t know what I must do. I guess the first priority for me is to find the position or attitude from which I can go on working with them without getting personally affected or led to react; the problem lies precisely in the difference between a real position and a range of “attitudes” that soon call either for fresh air or for demolition…! It wasn’t easy for me to return there this evening; D.M tried to talk, but I am not able to break through her confusion… How to help? How to serve? *26-9-1986, Auroville: Janaka had a high fever this evening. I sent for Dr Rao. He said that the condition had worsened and the “disease” was now affecting the heart; he also said that Janaka’s inner being was now detaching itself from his body… However he was willing to try and give him another treatment, and we had him swallow six doses of Ayurvedic medicine to control the fever… As soon as I reach there in the morning, I go under! It is such a weight and I am so ignorant; I don’t know even the beginning of a response to it all… And nothing goes well: the hut is invaded by white ants; and Jagannathan has been acting funny and didn’t come at all today (he came this evening and I took him to Janaka and he accepted to continue working…). … My heart is still acting funny… Sometimes I have perceptions that seem valid, but it is all so partial; even when it feels like a more conscious perceiving, still it lacks the strength to manifest, the strength of conscious evidence… I revolt against all these semi-truths; I revolt against so much of this entire story, even around You… I need, I want That to manifest, and to finish with all our approximations…! It is a jungle…! *27-9-1986, Auroville: There seem to be several levels overlapping here, or one behind the other as if in a transparency… One is the diluting, dissolving effect of death, of physical death, on all the ideals, spiritual notions and beliefs, on all that, in one’s awareness, is not purely conscious, isn’t transformed, become solid and real. And that covers a lot! Perhaps behind that is this action of the Force that undoes and erodes and dissolves the false reality of death itself. And behind that is the active but immobile, perennial experience of a position that is neither here nor there, and simultaneous: perhaps the true physical where the Two of You now are? This true Matter that hasn’t yet manifested? And alongside, or parallel, or as a stir or movement all around, is the sense of chaos and confusion, due to the lack of unification in the being, to all these parts and elements that are not centred and have no cohesion and therefore are bound to pull in different directions and extend the disorder and falsity, when and if the physical security is taken away…