journal d'une transition

656

I was just about to start with the Sunday clean-up of the house when N came with a message from D.M: Janaka had fainted and was now so sick that he couldn’t handle anything and couldn’t look after her; so I must replace him. I went back and forth the entire day, till Janaka had rested and felt a little better, in the evening… *14-7-1986, Auroville: Today Janaka was a little stronger, and they needed me for a while only; I joined the concreting at Matrimandir for part of the morning. There are two levels left to the top of the structure for the shell. … I stayed the evening with D.M and Janaka, who has too much pain in the leg still to do much more than hopping from bed to chair, and I had dinner with them and Auralice came home late, and I so I stayed on, once more, till everyone was tucked in bed… These three beings have chosen to live together so completely – partly due to D.M’s physical condition, but also because they feel that they are progressing best this way; they have no privacy, no individual space; they share every moment of life and seem to enjoy it, even after all these years… I see that, I see movements of different natures; I have questions, and I have respect, and I have hesitations; but on the whole, I find it very valuable. Yet I do wish, oh how I wish, that D.M would walk again now, soon… 10 years…! Hasn’t she learned now whatever was there to learn from that experience? Can’t she be helped to move now to another stage? *15-7-1986, Auroville: Back from “Ravena” late morning, I started on the paintings of both Your Symbols… Later, something happened which made me sad, and worked in me the rest of the day: Krishna came by and called me out, to “see something in the garden”; I went with him to the small cactus garden we had built together, and he said he had felt recently that he would like to have “back” the large stone we had laid at the centre of it, a stone which manifests a sleeping dove, a very beautiful pattern, that has really been the soul of this garden… I said “well, I suppose that if you don’t love this place anymore, then you might as well take the centre of it, its soul, and there’ll be nothing left…!” He agreed, with a weird smile. He really wants to go to the end of this divisive process: this is how he sees the clarity he wants to prove! It didn’t hurt right away; the pain came later, slowly, from deep, and it rose… On my way to “Ravena” in the afternoon, I nearly cried; but I had other matters to attend to. When I had time later to ponder it, I saw that this was going to throw the place here off-balance, and that he’d better then take everything from around here that carries even a little of himself in his experience, so that I too could see more clearly where things stand, and recreate a harmony that will be protected from such intrusions and claims… *16-7-1986, Auroville: I am tired, or something is tired. There is in me this tendency, whenever I am in close contact with people, with others’ lives, to feel the weight of their situations, of their own contradictions or impossibilities, beyond any ease or happiness, like and dislike, beyond even harmony… Also this thing with Krishna has affected me: he hasn’t yet come to take the stone, but now it is like an imbalance that has entered the atmosphere here, and a waiting…