journal d'une transition

654

It is good, though, to be reminded of all these ways and all these efforts towards a living truth…

*3-7-1986, Auroville: Last night Ar. was robbed again ; this time the guy came in even while she and Ritam were asleep upstairs, and tried to take the tape-recorder, entering through another window; Ar. didn’t hear anything right away, but reacted slowly and clumsily, and the guy had time to run away; we all went there, but it was too late… So today I bought whistles for every house! *7-7-1986, Auroville: It is difficult. There is a strain, a restlessness: to have to exist, minute after minute, while being cut off from the Supreme… It is all a matter of energies on this side of things: one must carry oneself at all times, and the more so as one withdraws from the usual human tricks of getting attuned to vital energies and striking a bargain with them… Alright, I am supposed to know that what is needed is to surrender one’s ego and let the Lord take over, and then one ceases to worry… Or so goes the lesson…! … On my way to “Ravena” I went by “Abri” to check on that outrageous electricity bill; and there was Jean, so resolutely and so “yogically” hostile and positively ostracising that, for just a moment, I felt I could, I wanted to punch his virtuous, self-righteous, straight and pure face of his… *8-7-1986, Auroville: Leaving Jagannathan with the lorry to go and collect the bricks, I went and bought myself a book, the last of Carl Sagan’s, in which he expounds on his conviction about the existence of other conscious beings somewhere in this material universe; as he is well up to date on the latest progresses of most sciences, it makes for a very informative reading… … I returned “home” feeling rather desperate about the human condition around here – this part of India at least, is in such a complete mess! I don’t know how to say… Always stand before me the doubt, a doubt as to whether perhaps I was misled when I chose to return here in 1973, and there is like the sense of a curse acting on parts of my life – while at other levels this very curse is really and truly a Grace. But it seems that this aggregate I am can never come whole… … Jagannathan came back this evening… without the bricks; he’d met with more troubles from that Chettiar, who is really below the human: a sort of viscous dirty lump of devious consciousness…! So I’ll have to go there tomorrow again… … Suhasini sat with me at dinner; G.G is due back soon; I couldn’t give what she needs to a girl like her; at moments I could, but not the life she needs… *9-7-1986, Auroville: I am made more and more aware of the stuff that is woven into the physical consciousness of the people here – of what causes which effects and consequences, and where lie the roots of the rather monstrous condition they are in, all the superstitions and fears and formations and influences that play in every moment of their lives; and the more I see of it, the more I tend to feel that it is rather