journal d'une transition

652

*27-6-1986, Auroville: Last night I was involved for a long time in the monitoring of a small city’ revival; its economy, the points of power-generating, the use of energies, all in a spirit of silent and caring study: the relationships between energies, the distances, the rhythms, and the architectural harmonies and the distribution of the flows; it was very interesting, and the criterion seemed to be always a measure of the degrees of joy and ease… … Ajneyam Auragni is 4. There has been no sign, no reply from Sylvain, and no sign either from that side, from my princess, and no contact whatsoever. We are thus kept apart, and for how long? But I want no drama in me. I want Your Way, even if and when I understand nothing… … Ar. had a small accident today, and I felt at once there was a connection, as there’d been so much tension around me; she fell with her Moped on the way to Bharat Nivas, slipping in the sand; she couldn’t recall anything special before that, in her or about her, she had been quiet, undisturbed; and when she landed suddenly in the dirt, bruised and scraped, she was stunned; she at once came to me, like a child, so that I tend her surface wounds, and we could laugh about it… … Janaka is feeling miserable physically, with numbness in his limbs; he could hardly walk today and he is exhausted. It is alarming, as he is shouldering all the daily load of looking after D.M’s every need and the house and Auralice; without him up and about, D.M is totally helpless. … I seem to have at last finished a large painting I had started perhaps two years ago: it is of the cosmic Egg, that has cracked, letting out flames of coloured light into the flaming light of the psychic … I can’t say exactly what it stand for, but I have a strange regard for this painting… … The lesson I gather from these last two days – with this last attempt to establish some contact with Auragni’s life – is that I must keep to my own, and really and truly trust that law that whenever there will be a necessity for me to move or act I shall be made to know it directly, without my interfering… It is indeed a lack of trust in me: I believe this to a point, and then it becomes a mental belief, not a living faith, and its opposite presents itself as well, that I must also “contribute” and “make steps”, and it plays havoc… Whenever I shall have to make a step, in Your terms, I shall know it unmistakably: it will not be in the same domain; it will not be confused with “goodwill, participation, “striving for harmony” and what not… It will be clear: a clear, integral necessity…

*28-6-1986, Auroville: I had to take Janaka to Pondy: he is spectacularly down; he can barely walk, his hands are now swollen as well, and he moves like an old woman – there is plenty of humour about it, and it remains light and clear; he is such a fine person…

*29-6-1986, Auroville: In my sleep last night, there was a large collective work-out, and I’m very glad to be getting fit again; there are many Auroville people quietly joining, without any fuss, each one guided by a clear need, and we, or I, practice rising above ground, learning to work with the force of gravity, but I am still too corrupt and I can rise a little and stay off the ground, but I cannot move up and away as yet… And this is followed later by another scene, something about my own impurity, strangely expressed: we are roving in a city, there two or three friends with me, and it is a