journal d'une transition

644

*23-5-1986, Auroville: It is D.M’s birthday. N came early this morning to help me carry her gifts over to “Ravena”, the carving of the peacock and the painting of the American Indian Thunderbird… … I went to Pondy to run some errands, and sat on the sea shore for an hour; I bought beer then, and brought it to “Tapoloka” for that dinner with Myrtle… We are so conditioned by the supposed duration of a human life-span, with its predetermined phases, and this programming one way or another twists all our experiences and, if it cannot alter or affect their nature when they are high or central enough, it does twist their effects… *24-5-1986, Auroville: D.M is not well ; I sense that it is somehow connected – although she has said nothing at all – to what I have pointed out in my letter to her the day before her birthday; since then I have felt, in some peculiar fashion, that I was as if carrying some of her own shadow… But I do not have faith in one’s mentally delving into these areas: all this is meant to be offered, through and in each of us; it is not to be pointed out for one’s own selfish satisfaction…! … I took N to his new house and had coffee there with his wife and kids, as it now sometimes happens; this relationship seems to hold and gather substance as it goes; it seems to matter in a truer way, and there seems to be a kind of internal or inner melting… … This morning my body rejected a big worm, an intestinal worm I suppose; it must have been 7 inches long… I had suspected there were worms, because of this constant fatigue, this weariness all the time; normally I tend to attribute this difficulty to keep going to the inner workings, their complexity and intricacy; I also know that I have anaemia since childhood, and that may partly explain the fatigue; but I know now with certainty that there are these creatures feeding on my organism, and it feels wrong, and I want to do something about it; but I don’t know what is to be done actually, apart from swallowing these heavy chemicals they make nowadays… Perhaps my body was enabled to reject this worm after yesterday’ beer?!!! We are so steeped in ignorance! *25-5-1986, Auroville: N came to pick up the money I was keeping for him for his cycle; he said he now doesn’t want to go through the temple ritual of walking on burning embers, during this festival (it also involves a week long of special pujas), as he feels that I do not like it; but I wonder about exerting such pressures; however subtle, on him to change his life: it is not right. Yet I just couldn’t be enthusiastic about this whole ritual, which I can’t help feeling as a kind of slavish submission, under the guise of ‘tradition’ to a kind of dark cloak that wants to keep the people’s lives in tamas and squalor, on a mere survival level… And perhaps there is something in N that has driven him to seek my friendship as a support for moving and growing out of it… But how can I trust my own movements when there is desire in me…?

*26-5-1986, Auroville: Il y a une sorte de veulerie dans l’être, dans la conscience physique : un refus de l’aspiration et un manque de volonté, ou d’engagement… La seule chose positive là- dedans est qu’il m’est précisément démontré que je ne puis blâmer rien ni