journal d'une transition

641

screen open, then I have half of both problems at once…! So I must get one of these bamboo beds, to move out of reach of these creatures: it is uncanny how they seem to know the exact moment when to bite, just as I am sliding over into sleep, and they always go either for the face, or the waist or the sex… This sort of behaviour doesn’t help in feeling “one with Nature”! *12-5-1986, Auroville: Samuel had a little fever today. I must control my emotions about him… It is not easy to accept that he is going, going away, even if it really turns out to be for 3 months only; but I must be careful, so that there is no pull between us and he does not suffer, in his own way, from the separation… *13-5-1986, Auroville: I was with D.M a moment today; I am always happy after seeing her, it’s like with her there is the right sort of energy, an energy that comes from You, and is rather un-mixed, and… it helps! … Reading, drawing, fixing a jade stone in my carving of a peacock for D.M, I don’t mind this pottering about in the house… *14-5-1986, Auroville: In the middle of the night I had a sexual dream, which triggered a volcanic release of semen; this hadn’t happened for a long time… I had changed my orientation last night, trying to sleep with my head to the East; I wonder whether it is connected? … There have been a few clear moments today, and a lot of groping within a grey and senseless life zone, feeling unused, displaced, and close to something unhealthy in terms of a way of life, with no given stand, no simple, straightforward function, no one to give to, no situation to help create: only “me”, “me”, that ego, that greyness, that stupidity and that weight dogging on and on, and no flame, no aspiration – or not enough of it… And yet, clearly, it is up to me! Your Presence is available, You are there, I just have to stand up straight and step on, but I am sleeping… … I read passages of the text I had written in 84; I still do not understand why it was not, it is not supported, why it has to lie unused, when all my experience in writing it was of being exceptionally centred and integral under the flow of the Force… There is still this weird sensation of being encased as if in a glass shell, unable to communicate because of that transparent wall all around me… … I took Samuel to “Sri Ma” again; it was so good to be just the two of us… I wish there was a woman here whom I could love the way I love Samuel, when I am just content watching him, tendering him, flowing in simple affection and that sense of physical harmony, grateful for his own unselfconscious purity… *15-5-1986, Auroville: The mechanical mind is jumping again, like so many squirrels. And the element of desire is back on stage… … At Matrimandir, people have been twice attacked by a swarm of giant bees, after some kid had thrown stones at their hive… They all had to flee!