journal d'une transition

619

*9-3-1986, Auroville: I am reading again Savitri’s pursuit of her love into the realms of Death, and her battle with Death itself, and I find hardly any response in myself to her claims for eternal, puissant and victorious love… And on the other hand I seem to know the tricks of Death, but as if from another standpoint… This question of my own opening to Love has been there for years, and still it is an enigma… And this shows me crudely, and intensely, the proportion of ego in my inner condition. But I find that I am aware of and relate to a Love whose nature is almost alien to any of the images a human being can conjure of it. I responded to the presence of that Love in You, once You had gone past a certain threshold, which I cannot define, of total surrender to Something that, at last, could incarnate unhampered by the very ideals and forms man had always referred to…: Something so other and yet so totally essential, far beyond all emotion and yet so central to all that is… I seem to be waiting, waiting for some call or response from somewhere, some place or some level – where beings are more evolved, or capable of embodying more consciousness, and by their presence I could at last pull out of this inertia that binds me still to these recurrent formations and habits… It’s like, here, I can see all the strings that make people think and feel the way they do, and there is no unknown here, there is no discovery, and there is no way… *10-3-1986, Auroville: Again and again I find myself, at night, in New-York; Manhattan, the water-front, and the city seen from the air… A strong rain came this morning and now the soil is softly drenched and the air is sweetly warm… Since yesterday I have this intense, overwhelming physical need to… “make love”… What to do? I just want a nice girl, a lovely body: not a monster like the women in Auroville, but a sweet and warm and lovely woman, and to make love with her… I can’t help it, it just doesn’t move, it doesn’t change, it is there… I am nearly 36 years old and I am still full of that energy and, when on no other level do I communicate well with anybody, at least there I know I can communicate, and I miss that, I miss not being able to do so… And I resent the absence of womanhood here in Auroville… … Myrtle is going ahead with our “idea” and she has informed AL.B and the “Executive Council” this morning; so far there are only 4 statements available: apart from mine, there is hers, there is U’s and there is John H’s… She plans to post a notice informing that these statements expressing another point of view than the one officially presented are being offered for consultation… I had thought that perhaps these statements should better be left unsigned so that people can relate to the views and positions expressed without any personal bias, but U, it seems, felt strongly to sign, so we all ended up signing and we have now to fasten our belts against the return wave…! … I blew out at Ar. this evening; I felt that she misses the point entirely, as regards Auroville today, and it suffocates me to have only her company, when it does not communicate beyond a certain level; it makes me want to yell, sometimes, and today it burst and there were tears and spite and anger and reproach…