journal d'une transition

598

*26-11-1985, Auroville: Such days are an enigma to themselves… On the one hand, nothing works and every move is met with delays or breakdowns and every instrument fails; and on the other hand, there is much energy, and a sort of placid trust… There is not at all the sense that this entire material resistance means we have to stop what we are doing or that we are doing it wrong… The well, for instance, turns out to be an exceptionally good well, with deep cavities and faults in the sub-layers that are huge reservoirs of clear water… And yet it is one obstacle after another: the “Abri” tractor broke down; G’s tractor broke down; then on the way to a village where there is a man who might rent us his own tractor, the Yezdi broke down… It was past 6 pm when N and I finally returned to “Ravena” along with that tractor and its driver (somehow, without my trying for it, he and I spend a lot of time together, and this too is mysterious, considering the psychological havoc it causes in me!); and later, returning from a quick trip to Pondy to buy petrol and diesel, I skipped on the sandy canyon road and fell, bike, jerry cans, Narayana and all, and burnt my leg on the silencer and broke a pedal… I have never experienced before such situations… It seems sometimes that I am being connected to confusions and encounters with Matter that are not my own: the state I find myself in at present, in relation to Matter, is one that I have seen, over a period of time, occurring in Janaka, for example, and in a different and more drastic way, in D.M… And I sense that I must try and assimilate it well and deeply enough, before it gets worse… It is as if a certain protection which I had learned to keep physically around me since I came back, 12 years ago, is now proving insufficient; or rather, that I must learn it all over again, in a more complete way… I saw this evening how I yielded to confused energy and began to react stupidly… *28-11-1985, Auroville: I got rather distressed by the haggling over money; I was ready to send away tractor, N and all, moved almost to tears in the face of this miserable game over cash, pulling and bargaining; I tried to feint anger, but the emotion was stronger… In the end we settled for a price, and the “Abri” tractor, now fixed, will come back to work with us: Ramachandran had a very sweet and loyal response when he saw me I that state… I like these people; but I want the work to be straight and honest… It is strange: I can still feel the tears rising… … The well has been drilled down to 107.5 meters; the crew will have to ream it to 14” before placing the 6” casing in, which will only reach a 48 meters depth… I don’t know why I write all that down; it’s like I am being pushed into this material mind… … With N it has cleared up a little; I am up against the state this civilisation has reached, and how it is rooted here; simultaneously I find myself increasingly drawn to it and, at some fine physical levels, assimilating it all in my own body and its rhythms; and yet having to fight its obscurities, the lies and twists that have become ingrained in its substance… This year particularly I am aware that there is in my physical and subtle being a movement taking place, which I don’t know how to define, but one would say that, on those levels, I am becoming “Indian”… It’s been twelve years now that I have not gone anywhere, and in a fine psychological way, within the body itself, it is a fact that I can now sense quite clearly…