journal d'une transition

570

*20-7-1985, Auroville: P came to tell me that Luca has offered to take over the collection of the monies for the electricity, the pump, etc.; that this would protect me from further exposure to nasty blows… I take this as a sign and a token of Your care… In this sense, I wish not to interfere in any way; for I am also aware that all this is Your modelling touch and that through all these apparent contradictions I am being led, fashioned, clarified and purified, and that I am closer to the truth of things when I experience gratitude, no matter what happens… *23-7-1985, Auroville: Samuel has been stunned with fever, vomiting and belly ache for a few days… Now he seems to be recovering and had a better night – Kamala’s treatment, or the body’s own self-healing process or both… I feed him biscuit and glucose water; this attachment is growing: he cries whenever I move away from him… I must find the right balance, for him! … Today for the first time I merely watched the concreting at Matrimandir – always I have worked; except for the few times when I was sick; of when I had gone away with Krishna… So it feels very strange not to be participating, but I have now understood and seen that one cannot build Matrimandir in an attitude that allows or justifies hostility among us… *25-7-1985, Auroville: I do not know what is happening: I cannot sleep; there is a strange physical wariness, almost anguish, and like a sense of a battle being fought at the centre above the head; and the only safety, these days, seems to be deep behind the heart; but I am so used to relating to the flow above that I get almost panicked… *27-7-1985, Auroville: G.M has received a card from M, written in Khajuraho, where she’d accompanied her ex-husband on a tour; he brought it with him, like a kid who has done a huge “bêtise”; she writes that she loves him, that she is homesick for Auroville, and is eager to come “home” to him… What to do? Both Ar. and I are very worried for her; it will be an awful shock for her when she comes and finds that G.M has joined with F, and so promptly too…! *29-7-1985, Auroville: Soaz brings me Samuel in a rush: he’s just fallen down and wounded his forehead; it is bleeding a lot and he yells till he falls asleep at her breast… I do not feel it is worth the trouble taking him for stitches, with all the additional shock it would entail… I make him a tight bandage… Soaz had been right in the next room, in Barbara’s house, when it happened; she had left Samuel in Gwen’s care, but Gwen isn’t so careful now that Samuel has started to walk about on his own… Soaz is very tired and worried; it is one thing after another, and she does not feel up to the task *24-7-1985, Auroville: G.M called me this evening, to confirm with me what I had already guessed: that, during M’s absence, he had linked up with F…