journal d'une transition

273

*2-1-1980, Auroville: The magic of dawn: white silvery dew, the air is vivid and pure, light, light, light, and the answer of the earth, union, cool, crisp air and light, light playing the greens, the smoke of the incense in the silence and the caress of the first sun’ rays… The hired watchman tells us that 15 big casuarinas have been cut and stolen during the night… What to do? We do not have the money to hire more guards and it would be useless anyway, just as we can’t fence the land as it is not of a piece, lots of plots here and there being still owned by villagers and local landlords… … Mid-morning B.B asks G.M to call us down to help unload… a beautiful mare! It is a race-horse that he has purchased in Bangalore; she is very skittish and nervous from the journey and nearly breaks her leg while coming off the lorry… *3-1-1980, Auroville: This morning we had the PT meeting in the office. I volunteered to chair when it became clear no one else was willing… … Phil and I have spent the afternoon preparing the dinner; people like it and line up for seconds… D.D has come to Jacq along with Roger A; she will stay a few days; I had some gladness at the thought of seeing her again, of feeling again that friendship, frank and straight and homely; but, when I actually saw her enter the dining-hall I was, for a moment, overwhelmed with a massive unease, which killed my smile and shut my eyes and I felt helpless; it was awful! It lasted probably but a few seconds, and I was able to welcome her and it was over… But I saw Jacq’s face and it was greyish…! … D.D came with everybody to the house to listen to Your Agenda… Sometimes, it takes me a while to sort out the mental atmosphere, once everyone has left… What we heard of Yourself, back in 1963: I find there has been such a great change in You since then, as if You had become even thousand times more … Real… and freer, too… How to say? We make “meetings” after “meetings”, we have the “experience of growing together”, but what about the Soul of this adventure? There seems to be so little interest and yet, one way or another, everyone is relying on it… I do not want to turn negative. But sometimes the mind wonders: does the Lord still want this to be done? For, if He does, why are we so few to feel it? *5-1-1980, Auroville: At noon, I prepare the payments. This week I have decided to raise the men’s wages. I have not told them about it; they certainly need it! I had some hesitation, because they have lately been rather negligent, but it is up to them to feel what they ought to feel and to straighten up… And a funny thing happens: Ven comes to me after my bath and tells me he had a dream of You last night where You told him *4-1-1980, Auroville: Suddenly, at work, I became very depressed, almost in tears. How can we build Matrimandir, just the few of us?