journal d'une transition

404

This has gone to the Coop, and this afternoon I am summoned from work to the office, to “explain myself”… (At the same time, the “Delhi pros” have returned, with the same active discrimination against me and, by association, against Diane, and have already asked that she returns the Cement application papers, as she must not do any collective work…) So, in this atmosphere, I have to try and tell the facts; I focus on Arjun and Deepti and Bill S and manage to overcome the tension. And they have to tell me then that this matter has actually nothing to do with them and they trust my word… But, afterwards, neither Ruud nor John or I know what to do next… … This evening Diane tells me what her friend Kéa, who now works with Satprem, has said, with all the conviction and strength of authority she derives from her new position; this is how it goes: I am a mental asuric being who destroys all those who come close to him, who lives in the very falsehood that must now surrender; and I should not remain in Auroville; that I have not changed and will not change; and that she, Kéa, had been so pained upon learning of Diane’s relationship with me, that she had herself concentrated and consciously severed the connection between us, in order to save Diane – referring probably to our earlier split … The irony here is that I had insisted Diane must meet Kéa again – I thought she needed a good friend…! … To top it all, John H comes in to ask for the Cement papers from Diane. I blow at him: I had not realised that they had asked him to be the go-between; and in his weakness he accepted to be used! He understands, then, and we decide that Diane will herself return these papers to the office tomorrow… … As far as I am able to know, there is a bit of truth in what people are saying, but they make of it the exclusively determining factor and that is an untruth…! For the sake of their own politics, they choose to ignore what is actually the matter at stake, what I must endure, what I fight for, what I understand and see, what I AM… They prefer to condemn, and it is neither honest nor courageous… For it is precisely because I offer this contradiction all the time, this contradiction which is to some degree lodged in every human breast, it is because I present it to the light always, that it can be seen…! … What worries me the most is that, whether I choose to stay or to leave, the consequences are now for the child as well. … In a way, none of this is real… I have gone through it several times now, and I have learnt to stand on my own truth… *12-12-1981, Auroville: I realise that each one is necessarily and truly alone with whatever part, amount or specificity of consciousness one is given to grow by, and to grow into, towards That… And as this realisation slowly occurs, this blind need for communication and sharing and recognition is calmed, and one sees things a little differently, and less expectantly… *14-12-1981, Auroville: There is disgust, especially upon waking, at being so dumb, so resisting, and so identified with… all this! … Diane has decided she will write to Satprem to seek his advice, through Kéa. This is alright. Something has evolved between us. It seems more solid.