journal d'une transition

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*13-1-1981, Auroville: This tooth-ache is relentless, and I am terrified by pain…! … I went back to work at Matrimandir this morning; I joined John H and Bill S…

*15-1-1981, Auroville: Diane and I went to visit with AB Patel in the Ashram. We had to let him sign some documents and we also wanted to ask his help for fund-raising… To think that he is the only individual there who could stand up and publicly state that Your and Sri Aurobindo’s Work IS NOT A RELIGION…!

*17-1-1981, Auroville: In a sense it is a creative period: we have to learn to formulate our policies, we have to keep it alive and strong with the Administrators, we have to respond truthfully to complex situations…

*19-1-1981, Madras: I sit on the 7 th floor of a concrete building before the darkening sky, above the noise and the dirt of this man-made creation, in a hotel room. I have an appointment with the dentist tomorrow morning… I have a late dinner at Connemara Hotel with Jean. We see both Navajata and Kishorilal in the hall, but they don’t see us: Jean is very talkative but, eventually, we seem to find there is a possibility of mutuality and are both happy about it. We part in the street at midnight… *20-1-1981, Madras: Illusion, vulnerability, disintegration, death… the hollow madness, the corruption… the “impersonal Will”… the learning…: groping for truth in that huge tangle of snares, this perverted substance, this mass of contradictions… revolt, irony, desperation, humour… the same need that cannot find where to settle in this human, tricked substance… … Diane and I spend a long time in Fort St Georges… … Narayana came with Baby for her passport but, out of fear, she didn’t bring her college papers as I had instructed her, so it is a waste of time… … Diane accompanied me to the dentist: he pulled out the worst two… She stayed the night in my hotel room; there is this mutual attraction, but she is Jean’s wife and I respect her choice to stand by that continued commitment. … I had a nightmare, followed by n incredible series of dreams, at different levels; the atmosphere of this city feels so… insecure! But things worked out: we got clearance for the cement. We met Chakrapani also, the architect of the Bharat Nivas: this man has loved You and been badly hurt by these rotten people…

*23-1-1981, Auroville: Diane has begun to come regularly to “Dana” and share our meals there, so there are now four of us. Myrtle has been upset, unsure about the status of our relationship; she says that Piero has been attacking me heavily these past few days