journal d'une transition

355

There is more and more often a discrepancy, uneasy, puzzling and uncomfortable, between the awareness one is given individually, the perceiving that could develop in oneself, and the grounds on which one has to move, work and act, according to the limitations of the collective. There is the sense of a compromise… Whenever one may contemplate a little the very Fact of You, words drop like old leaves, and almost everything seems to be… besides the point! *3-12-1980, Auroville: The Bill has been passed in the Lok Sabha, and is to go through the Raja Sabha any moment… … P.G comes to tell me of the confusion over Ojha’s housing, and that Myrtle, seeing the situation – and that Ojha might decide to move to Pondy -, has offered her house; but she is not clear where she and her two daughters might move for the duration… Without thinking, I say that Myrtle might find the house where I live an acceptable solution… P.G goes right away to Myrtle’s and soon returns, happy: she and the girls, Aurienne and Durgaura, are enthusiastic…! So, just in an instant, what I could never have conceived of – to move out of this blessed place -, has happened! I know it is temporary, but it still comes as a jolt! G.M and Marcia are positive that I must come and live with them in “Dana”… But I know myself and I have made up my mind: I will stay in C’s new room, and only take my meals in “Dana”; for one thing I do not want to spoil the balance and harmony of our relationship; for another I am needed here, this is my place on earth, and Myrtle will also feel more secure if I remain close by… I feel a little like an uprooted tree…! *4-12-1980, Auroville: One of these nasty nightmares last night: Noh or, at any rate her face, her name and some of her vibrations were used, is talking lies with Chris G, agreeing with him the same way she agrees with us, apparently insensitive to the distance between his commitment and ours; I tell her directly that she has no faithfulness; she at once becomes hard as a metal robot; she stands up enraged and pinches my leg on two spots and pulls, pulls, whispering with some hypnotic power that I shall die from it… The pain is acute and I feel the blood getting blocked and about to burst through the veins… And again I do not even “think” of calling You, I just shout “No!” on and on, till the shout itself wakes me up…! Deepti and I spend most of today guiding the lady Collector around, under the rain… This is a dynamic lady, with a mind to support Auroville, and also to get us to collaborate in various training programs… *5-12-1980, Auroville: I am still cleaning the house early this morning when Ojha just walks in, all by himself! I like the man; he is strikingly perceptive, and he carries with him some of that India I cherish and respect… … A whole drama has been going on again with Narayana and Bhavani; this time it involves Piero, and his rigid principles; however much everyone has tried to ease and soothe it, Piero is not facing it – he never seems to do so! It is hard for me to support him in that sense, Mother! He never gives way…!