journal d'une transition

348

independently of me and that whole dramatic web of scandal around both of us had had to be dissolved… This question I offer to You: is there such a sharing awaiting me? Only You know… … There is a turning in our relations with the Government. Srivastav has come down from Delhi for a visit. I attended only one meeting here with him and his retinue; Diane, Cl.A, Arjun and a few others had already met him in Madras. Today, after the “Envelopes” meeting, I mentioned to Diane, as gently as I could, that it was impractical, and hardly workable, to leave me uninformed of all recent developments in matters of visas, etc. She admitted at once that she had been very incorrect and was wholly to blame; yet she did not respond to any suggestion of a work session together… I am thinking that perhaps I should drop both my “Visas” work and my “Envelopes” work and hand them over to people who are more related than I seem to be to the “collective”, even though I have prayed and still pray to be utilised, to be of some service… But this cannot be just for me to feel a little useful…! … Sometimes I sense what it can be when a soul, not finding what it seeks, or being too hampered, slowly and gradually comes to the choice of withdrawing, a kind of reversal process in which it begins to gather what it has assimilated out of this particular focus, and then an illness may occur, or an accident, and the body eventually lets go… … I seem to be aware that somehow my “path” lies at this very edge, and there is in that position, or behind, or above it, a secret delight, the freedom from the agents that cause “death” or, rather, use up the physical substance, making “death” necessary… … All these titles – “Aurovilian”, “Tamil Aurovilian” etc – appear more and more absurd and misleading to me…! *11-10-1980, Auroville: Tonight I’m happy, listening to Sunil’s music and whistling along. Everything went wrong, nothing worked, the bike broke down, G.M’s bike was not ready, there were missteps and delays and wasted time, nothing was done, yet it didn’t matter: Marcia and I, shopping for G.M’s birthday, did not go under…! … Mother, You seem to be keeping me from doing quite a few silly things these days! Most times, I’m able to appreciate the humour of that guard! But… the sexual need particularly, is too raw, and I can’t deal with it consciously enough; it is often too close to getting unhealthy… *12-10-1980, Auroville: In the work, in the action, I am still unable to discern precisely between what would be mere inertia and an actual indication not to move. One must still follow the reason’s rule, and that is also the measure of the distance to a viable “divine anarchy”… *13-10-1980, Auroville: I seem to have gone in so many directions in this life. If I may find a Sense in all that, it is one of loosing, of letting go of one’s personal structure, and merging into a gaze, a presence, unbound and yet, whenever possible, full and complete and unique…