journal d'une transition

324

… I watch the “Envelopes” meeting from a different kind of poise, with an attention to the possible sources of confusion, and it is not what we are used to think… J.P’s simple and generous nature, for instance, is a factor of balance, while from Hervé comes a confusing disturbance… … Ramalingam comes; I settle him in the big room, make tea. He is completely taken with the girl he wants to marry… I am not very sure what G.M and I have to do in this, but he wants to stay with me here for a week or so, till he is sorted out… I guess it is alright, although I must be a little cautious there; on my part there could be a slip into physical attraction and, on his part, I sense a mixture of very selfish interests motivating him…

*28-6-1980, Auroville: I don’t even have the strength to lift the bike onto its stand; I watch it fall sideway, as if in slow motion, feeling stunned and ashamed. I guess this happens when all vital forces are withheld (or all used up to maintain the balance?)…

*29-6-1980, Auroville: Mid-morning I go to Narad. We have to work together on formulating a project for the fencing of the entire Gardens area, to be submitted to “Auromitra”… We first make a full round, measuring. There is no central contact between us, but a connection that has become more easily enjoyable since he has started to accept me as I am and letting go of some of his rigidity… … When I return home, the sexual need is so strong, I could have raped Nat there and then! What to do? I am still a prey, I still respond; no point in ever pretending otherwise, as long as there still is the smallest stirring of response…! And suppression, to me, is a dishonest thing! At one point, years ago, I had willed to break down all mental and moral barriers and prejudices… I did it! And for a while I was flooded with craving of all kinds and all sense of measure was gone; I could identify with the weirdest and wildest desire or greed… In a way, I still can; that is, I know concretely that one can… But only one craving has still a hold over me, in all its crude, transparent and absolute beauty…! And this is one of the Lord’s own “impossibilities”, or secrets; and I seem to learn that “I”, my little “I”, must not interfere, but just keep offering, never hiding, and never shying away: just offering… *30-6-1980, Auroville: Last night I dreamt of O.P’s arrival in very precise terms and details, of what had and had not changed in him, and how he was disappointed to find me less beautiful… This was followed by another dream with Krishna in which I lost again my discernment, fell under his energy and did again the same “mistake”… … The FRO have received an official refusal of all 17 applications we had submitted for newcomers… We’re not out of trouble yet!

*1-7-1980, Auroville: The 4 of us are working in “Dana”. Marcia goes and gets our lunch from the Kitchen and returns with a ridiculous piece of news: it seems that, threatened of arrest by the Inspector, Gl, Piero, Dor and a few others have devised another method of