journal d'une transition

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cause”… Being myself one of the 7, I guess I am partial, but I don’t like it! This feels like one is feeding an unreal game… … The cement has come at last, but only 20 bags… I can at least return G.M’s lot, for his house!

*31-5-1980, Auroville: The meeting in Madras seems to have been rather grotesque. It has yielded only one proposal: to have a retired Judge investigate all legal matters – cases and litigations – between the two “sides”; but it was acknowledged that the “deportation Orders” must be kept in abeyance for the time being… … Tess has gone berserk in Madras, running naked in the streets, burning things… Nico has gone there and returned already, helpless… 1-6-1980, Auroville: Ramalingam comes. He still cannot make up his mind as to where he wants to be, nor what he wants to give his life to… But his heart is here, always. … G.M and I have this plan to do our own fund-raising for Matrimandir – the whole of it -; we want to address people directly from Auroville, let people know that we are doing the work. We have prepared the text of an appeal and we need addresses to begin with… We do down to “Aspiration”; Marc A has collected a good list of interested people during the Exhibition tour… He tells how no one in ‘Aspiration” wanted to have anything to do with that meeting in Madras, and yet M.D had gone… Others join in the talk, and it becomes lunch-time and they invite us to stay. As we stand in the line, M.D comes to me; I am happy to see him, and glad of the opportunity to tell him directly, with affection, what I had felt about his going; I find him open and candid in his response; we soon sit together and, as G.M and I are telling him more of what we have been experiencing, others listen in and it becomes soon a spontaneous, typical “Aspiration” gathering. It is the occasion for all of them to vent their accumulated frustrations of the past two years regarding M.D and Nicole’s superior attitude and their play of secrecy between Satprem and Auroville… But, and this is really the mark of this collective realisation in “Aspiration”, it is all very frank and honest, centred and free of resentment, devoid of bitterness, uncalculating, wanting to love and to meet without veils… M.D takes it all. I speak for him once, to restore some balance, because I trust his sincerity. He is able to say, at the end, that he is happy this has happened…! I wish this togetherness would manifest around Matrimandir; but I find it significant that this took place as a result of, or triggered by, our visit, from Matrimandir and for Matrimandir… We leave discreetly, a bit shaken, and tired… … I see, at dinner in the Kitchen, that Krishna has returned from his trip; he is at the big table, in his expansive mood: I am ready for the least opening, the smallest sign, but he keeps shut from me and away… Perhaps he sees me as self-assured, in control… he doesn’t know the tears? *2-6-1980, Auroville: I am uptight and I feel lonely, as if at the border of a desert I must now cross alone. I have a heavy tachycardia, tugging at the arteries in the neck and left shoulder, and it is draining… G.M comes to find me in the office; yesterday evening he had a “talk” after the football game with P.G and others and now he wants us to act…! But I feel uneasy, finding him too much on the surface… He wants us – the