journal d'une transition

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me, and she is sorry about it… I did notice a change, a little unease, between us, but I trust our bond to be free from such effects…

*26-3-1980, Auroville: At work, Gl tells us that Al.B and Yus had an accident yesterday night on their way back from Tindivanam; they hit a pile of pebbles and got thrown off their bike; Al.B was unconscious for a moment… Nothing more serious but… one doesn’t like it! It seems also that a new list of Quit Notices has been issued by the Tamil Nadu Government – I am on that list, along with Al.B, Jean, B.B and a few others… … Late afternoon, waiting for Pnina on the low wall by the sea, gazing at the waves and filling with their material joy, I have the experience of You and me, of “our” safe space, our home, You and me, this timeless “Douce Mère… Mon petit…”, unique, uniquely ours, more alive than anything else… … With Pnina, the energy is positive; there is a good and lively communication; we share moments of hilarity, and of silence… … V has shaved her head a couple of days ago; she is much more herself, as if washed from her personage, warm and funny and simple; and, Noh tells me, she is now pregnant, by C.E…! And they have now moved to a hut in “Existence”. Both Noh and I feel happy about it… … It is my night-shift at Matrimandir; two young policemen are on duty and insist on talking with me; one of them is very interesting, a graduate who could not find yet another job, filled with a lucid humour, and that living devotion of the heart that knows the madness of the world denying, ignoring the Divine… In him too is reflected or manifests the inalienable India… Later, Krishna joins me there… *27-3-1980, Auroville: Krishna and I went to the beach. When I return to Matrimandir later, I find Thomas the Inspector with a bundle of new summons; I refuse to sign mine and go up on the structure to join G.M and Marcia at work… it all begins to feel nauseous, ashy: going on and on, relentlessly…! *28-3-1980, Auroville: It is difficult to be a human being, to be, to be prisoner of a separate consciousness… Sometimes it is almost unbearable; one feels crushed by it, everything becomes a single hostile mass of inertia pressing from all sides against that tiny awareness that holds a body together in order to … experience… to grow… to change…? The mental will, the vital will, the individual powers or capacities seem to be mere tricks to temper down and make reality bearable, or even challenging; but when one gives up these means, one is left with the sheer fact of the separation… … We all laugh about the photograph that has appeared in a Bombay newspaper, showing G.M holding two children, one Western and the other Indian, with the caption “The Spirit of Auroville”… … Piero comes up and, with him, the tension of the situation is back with us… … R had asked me to try and get more money from the “Envelopes” for Narayana and his family, but it didn’t work and Diane advised me to see directly with the Kitchen… In the evening, I go to the office and wait there for Narayana to return home – his hut is right behind -; and I get well and truly caught! In two seconds all my “good intentions” are turned into the standard image of master to slave, white