journal d'une transition

291

harmony… It lands me, as usual, in the glue; my senses feel an invasion of mixture – and all the talking, talking, talking…: I shall never be able to cope with it! Yet, monasteries are no solution; so, what is? How is a truer atmosphere ever going to manifest? Children grow, we get lines on our faces, our teeth rot, we change bikes, read the Agenda, we argue, now and then we feel a bit of tenderness, or gratitude, and we’ll be getting old and… what? *22-2-1980, Auroville: Krishna and I spend most of the morning on the beach playing, delighting in the materiality of it all, the waves and the birds and the warmth of the sun rays and each other’s presence… Sometimes that sort of mental superstition intrudes, as if, having reached this ease and security of communication and contact, open and offered at Your feet, basking in Your Grace, it could then go no further and was bound to get contradicted in some way… It takes an active movement of trust to repel these suggestions… We part near “Certitude”; A.R has been staying at his place for the past two days, and we laugh at his embarrassment…! … Ruud, John H and Bill S, at the Camp, call me to share their thought with me about a process we could learn to follow together, something like entering together an altered state, trance-like, so as to become able to “consult with You”…

*23-2-1980, Auroville: Last night Phil slept here so we could get up together before dawn and start the baking of the bread, with Pas and J.Cl… It is a happy time and a happy work…

*24-2-1980, Auroville: C.E comes to say that both V and he wish to accompany me to receive C at the airport; I refuse: it makes no sense to me, particularly when E.B is also arriving on the same plane and we’d then be all 5 of us squeezed in a hot car, for no evident purpose… Then R comes and asks to travel with me up to Madras where he plans to stay for a day of purchases… We leave at 5.30 pm. It is comfortable between us; both talk and silence are free of tension… Before we left, Marcia and G.M had come for a while and it made me think again about… who could be the woman I would be ready to live with, to give myself to… I keep drawing so many conditions…! And I wonder: “Divakar”, is that not in a way a lonely star, lonely in the human sense, a thing of the Lord, like a tool, or a body or vehicle for an aspect of His…? … C and I return after 3 am…

*26-2-1980, Auroville: P.G comes with Juanita; he is leaving for Delhi on the 29 th with the Exhibition team and he asks that I replace him on the Coop – this time, how can I refuse?

*27-2-1980, Auroville: