journal d'une transition

284

… M.D has written a very sweet letter from Delhi to us three – P.G, G.M and I… … For a couple of days I have been feeling the pain that G.M is experiencing, as if I had been identified with it and had to know it fully – the aching need of someone’s presence to fill a void, the terrible pull to suicide… -, but with the distance and perspective of a non-personal involvement; I woke up from my afternoon nap invaded by it, and I just hoped it meant that G.M would find it a little easier… And this evening, I have this strange moment: the whole thing is filling me again, as I sit listening to Your Agenda, the whole intensity of it, when I sense a slight movement of the Force touching from above, with the clear intent to pluck it out; and instantly something in me calls out “okay, but You must not take it back to G.M!” This was a bit comical and also puzzling… the movement froze, sort of mid- way… I do feel better, though, lighter and more objective; the weight of it is gone… But I have to wonder! I am so little aware of what goes on “above”… Have I defied? I have reflected on this and tried to analyse it, but I only came to a reading that is perhaps simplistic, yet it is one with which I feel content: out of our inner “community of experience”, G.M passed on to me an experience he could not cope with on his own, could not offer well enough, so that I would do it alongside and the Force could pluck it up once the teaching was done; and that is all there is to it…! Yet the fact that I have not fully trusted reminds me of Your statement that men cling to their suffering and their ignorance, refuse to let go of it… And I see, tangibly, how much we fear this vacuum in our lives, this emptiness that is nonetheless an indispensable passage before we learn to open to the true Presence, the One that does not fail… Human beings are scared of emptiness; even when they know it is a necessary basis, they remain open and eager to be filled with some intensity… … A little later, I have an interesting experience: I am following shapes, forms and volumes, as if through a gap into another plane; and I enter a sense of substance, like a dancing flow of substance, material, breathing in and out a consciousness of unity, and it becomes more solid, homogeneous and compact and completely fulfilling… I still remember vividly, almost physically but with a deeper sense to it, a vault and a doorway arching, like a smooth wave of substance, like beaten or pressed clay, and the tone of it a deep quiet unified orange brown, a continuum of substance… … P.G has decided to move to the Camp – this is a decision he kept postponing… I feel a little deserted; I like to have him as my closest neighbour… *2-2-1980, Auroville: Ram Singh comes to find us, G.M and me, at Matrimandir and asks us to attend a meeting at “Auromodel” in which his situation is to be decided upon… We both feel for him and agree to go… We reach there after 2 pm; Diane is there; she tells us that SSJ’s reaction to our “communiqué” was to get all the carpenters, all the SAS paid watchmen and all the men of the “integrated families” to watch over him and guard his house so as to prevent us from taking any “violent action”… Clear! Soon the others arrive: Kam and K.T, Deepti and Arjun, Al.B, F.G and Eliane, Aster and Prem, and a young woman names Barbara… This is a thick résumé of a chunk of human misery: there is caste and social class, pedagogy and “spiritual reasoning” and moral leadership rights, with a blend of the new “jet society” thrown in, and Ram Singh, generous and crooked at the same time, straightforward and frustrated… K.T has, I feel, the soul of a child, but he is surrounded with a kind of clannish formation that doesn’t allow him to verify directly the validity of his own