journal d'une transition

277

loud enough for me to hear, and then just took off… I can’t grasp it… Perhaps she assumes I have servants? … This evening I ride over to “Dana” to G.M and Marcia’s; G.M tells me of two dreams he’s had this year with H acting in a very similar way as in my own dreams; G.M too is very affected by the present conditions and it somewhat reassures me that I am not alone to feel so bad… Before I leave the house to go to my night shift at Matrimandir, I give Gauri a little water and she consents to sip it, for the first time in 4 days and nights…! I bet she’ll be alright now; what a feat! *15-1-1980, Auroville: Last night, Jacq and Kiran, on duty at Matrimandir with Mau and Valya, came to call me, out of deep sleep: the SAS had posted 5 hired men to stay in the office through the night and they were behaving very provocatively; I got up, went to wake up P.G, V also woke up and we all went back there; P.G and I recognised 3 of them; all of them, we soon saw, were quite drunk. Arguments went back and forth among us as to what to do with them; I went to these men, asking myself within what to do, and as I stood before them, the answer came that I could take them out, it was alright; I started pulling them out by the shoulders; they did not resist much; Jacq, seeing I was alone, called the others, but that didn’t help, as then there was a possibility of violence, which had not been there… Only V and Jacq were a help… The guys all left. … M.D has asked me to translate myself an article I had written some time ago, published in the Review; looking at it now, I am impressed by the vibration of certitude that the text carries, and I wonder! Because, at present, I feel sure of nothing…! But it often happens this way, in retrospect… I doubt and question… Was it then an ego thing? Is it at all possible to express anything true and direct when one is still, in one’s “natural being”, such a mixture…? Perhaps it is, at certain points, at certain moments. *16-1-1980, Auroville: Last night, Bill S came to call! The SAS has sent 10 men, fully drunk…! There were more of us around, this time, but we had to send those people out twice during the night… … The flavour of the days to come is not quite enchanting…! .. I feel insincere, and this is due to V’s presence, as I allow for her to settle more and more and for a sharing between us to take on more and more substance, and yet I do not have the movement of giving myself to her; there is unease in me about it all. I do not wish to be the centre, it is wrong; and yet, something in me still allows it… … M.S arrived to day; it is a surprise, after 7 years! I have to arrange for her to sleep here too, after our watch at Matrimandir with the new, “invincible Guard”! (More of us have joined, including Ken, Allan, Dennis, Larry, M.L, M.D, Hervé, Jean Cl….). We are tired. But V is resting against me, it all mixes up… and we meet, and have only a brief sleep…

*17-1-1980, Auroville: Late morning, I drive M.S down to “Aspiration”, to find Cyril. No one knows exactly where he is, perhaps at the village festival – it is “Pongal”. We end up visiting at L