My experience of Satprem

Difficult choices

In his letters Nata often referred to “the family” with whom I must reconcile, if I still nursed the desire to return; according to him, whenever he asked Mother about my return, the reply was always negative; but I could not understand how this family issue could have any inner importance in Mother’s attitude. There was a very painful doubt. I then wrote to Satprem of how much I was missing Mother’s physical atmosphere, how I suffered from the distance. December 1971: “Divakar. You will see Her again when you will be convinced that your own forces can do nothing and you will need Her as the one necessary thing… Satprem.” Nevertheless I felt that, from then on, I would have to find the answers “alone before the Supreme”. During the year 1972 I had finally retired in a tiny little maid’s room, a monastic cell under the eaves and giving onto the sky, and had dived into the translation of Sri Aurobindo’s “Savitri”. I had through Nata received Mother’s blessings for this work and used to send Her each type-written canto one after another. In the period 1972-73, Nata wrote contradictory letters, at times warmly encouraging me and at times warning me not to expect anything any longer. I wrote to Satprem again. But perhaps my letter betrayed some sort of ambition, for his reply seemed to me rather brutal and unfair; he enjoined me to take this activity only as a means to remain in Mother and Sri Aurobindo’s atmosphere, and not to pretend at anything else. He replied and his answer corresponded to the perception above.

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